The Many Adventures of Whoremione
by i.paint.the.sky
Summary: A humourous look at the many pairings Hermione is given in Harry Potter fan fiction. Written for the JC House Cup, Year 6. ONE-SHOT


The Many Adventures of Whoremione  
  
Dedication: I would just like to dedicate this to Mer, my dear friend who beta-ed this for me.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. Ok, I don't. But I'd like to. And I'd like even more to be making some money from this. Oh well, at least I'll get some points.  
  
Sunlight drifted in through the windows, flickering on the face of the sleeping girl. Hermione Granger slowly opened her eyes and looked around the room.  
"Who said that?" she said softly, so as to not wake her dorm mates. "And that? Who's there?"  
There was no response.  
Hermione stammered, "Yes there was! That was a response!!! Damn it, who are you?"  
(Pause)  
(Sigh)  
"Oh great, I know what this is. It's another one of those horrid fan fictions, isn't it?"  
Um, yeah. It is.  
"I have a bad feeling about this."  
  
*~*~*  
  
"So, mysterious author, do you have name?"  
Why yes, The Cleric 007.  
"What kind of name is that?"  
Well, not my real name obviously. It's just the name I write under.  
"Ok, so why do you use that name?"  
That is a really long story. You don't need to know it all. Just say that it's better than the infamous Daughter of Yub Yub.  
"Daughter of what?"  
Exactly.  
"Ok, whatever. So, why are you writing this little story?"  
Well, it's for this little competition that a group of us are holding. I'm trying to win points for my house, Sly.  
"SLYTHERIN!!!!????? You expect me to help Slytherin? I don't think so."  
Oh, come on 'Mione, it will be fun.  
"It will not be fun. And DON'T call me 'Mione."  
Sorry. And it's not the real Slytherin. Just a pretend one. We're not evil. At least, not completely.  
"Alright, alright. So, what exactly are you expecting me to do in this fic?"  
Well, um, have you looked at the title yet?  
"No, I'll do that now.WHAT!!!??? WHOREmione??? How insulting!!! Why would I ever demean myself by being in a fic titled 'The Many Adventures of Whoremione', let alone do it for a group of Slytherin- wannabes who have nothing better to do with their lives than engage in competitions about Harry Potter?"  
Because, if you don't, you'll regret it.  
"And you claim you're not real Slytherins. So, tell me, Cleric, why would I regret it?"  
Because, you'll have this song playing inside your head all day if you don't do the fic.  
"What song?"  
This one:  
  
Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Hermione screamed in horror. "Anything but that!!!"  
So, you'll do the fic?  
"Fine, I guess I have to."  
Exactly.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hermione walked towards the Great Hall. She sat down beside Harry and Ron, as usual, and began to eat her breakfast.  
"Do you have to do that?"  
Do what?  
"Narrate everything I do? It's getting a bit annoying."  
And you would know about being annoying.  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
Nothing, nothing. Anyways, I do have to narrate or else the reader will have no clue as to what is going on. Sort of like Ron and Harry, right now.  
Hermione looked at the dumbfounded faces of her friends, who had been watching her have a conversation with no one.  
"Um," she said nervously, "too much studying."  
The boys smiled and nodded, then quickly began to eat their food, so as to get away from Hermione as fast as possible.  
After breakfast, Hermione hurried to Transfiguration class. She was the first one there.  
"All right, we're alone. You can stop the narration. I feel like I'm going crazy. Can't you stop for just a little bit?"  
Oh don't you worry, Hermione. I will be leaving you alone during the class. I always gloss over those scenes, because I don't feel like putting the energy into making them up.  
"Oh, good then. So, if I may ask, where is this fic going? I assume somehow I'm going to have to live up to the name Whoremione. Which, if I might add, is totally OOC."  
I know, I know. But it's funny. You are the only character in the series to even come close to giving Snape a challenge for the title 'Slut of Hogwarts'.  
"Snape? As in Prof Snape?"  
The one and only. My favourite character, by the way.  
"What? Why? Why would you like him? He's evil and greasy and just plain nasty."  
I know. Isn't it great?  
"No, it's not great."  
(Pause)  
"Wait a minute, this isn't going to be a Hermione/Snape fic, is it? Because those really do make me want to go jump off a bridge or something."  
Yeah, me too. But, sadly yes, this is going to involve that pairing. Along with some others.  
"Some others? How many?"  
Oh, I don't know. About six or seven.  
"Six or seven????!!! Why did I get myself into this?"  
  
Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long.  
  
"Okay, okay. I know why I got myself into it. Just don't play the song again, PLEASE!!!"  
Fine. Now that we see eye to eye....who should be Whoremione's first conquest? I figured we could go through the regular pairings.  
"Which are?"  
Well, according to the Harry Potter Slash Fanfiction Glossary, found at , a very helpful tool for writers and readers alike, the main Hermione pairings are with Harry, Ron, Draco, Snape, Ginny and Pansy. I've also heard about pairings with Lucius, Pavarti, Lupin and Sirius. So, I figured we could just pick some of those.  
(Groan)  
"Fine, I guess I could do that. If I was really drunk. Extremely so in Snape's case. Or for any of the girls."  
Yeah, that would be fine.  
"Actually, do you think we could just not do the femmeslash thing at all? Pretty please?"  
All right, that sounds fine. How about this order?: Harry, Ron, Draco, Snape, Sirius, Pansy.  
"Um, sure, but didn't you just say no femmeslash?"  
Yes, I did. But, as one of the required elements of this fiction, I need to include a gender-changing spell. We'll just turn Pansy into a guy. How does that sound?  
"Fine, I guess, though I still wish I didn't have to do this."  
It's either this, or the song returns.  
"I know."  
And besides, it could be fun.  
"If you say so."  
I just did.  
"Really? I hadn't noticed."  
Hey, you're funny when you're being sarcastic.  
"Thanks."  
Anytime. Anyways, I'll be going off now. McGonagall is going to be here soon. I'll see you afterwards.  
"I can't wait."  
Of course not.  
  
*~*~*  
  
I'm back.  
  
"Yippee. Just when I had almost forgotten about you."  
  
You could never do that.  
  
"Watch me."  
  
I am.  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
Yes, I do, but I choose to ignore it in favour of plotting your sexual escapades.  
  
"Please say that this will at least be a PG fic."  
  
Yes, it will be. I think it has to be. Maybe not, but whatever. I don't feel like writing smut today. You can have your privacy.  
  
"Good."  
  
So, time to go after Harry.  
  
"Just what I always wanted to do."  
  
Really?  
  
"No, not really. Everyone knows I'm going to end up with Ron."  
  
Oh yeah, I knew that. That's why I don't read Hermione/Ron. It's like Jaina/Jag stuff; it's what really will happen in the books.  
  
"Who?"  
  
Nevermind. So, where do you think we can find Harry?  
  
"Probably on the Quidditch pitch. I swear that boy can't do anything if it doesn't involve a golden snitch."  
  
Well, I'm sure you can persuade him to partake in non-snitch endeavours. Unless of course.  
  
"No, no, NO!!! Don't even say it Cleric."  
  
Say what? I didn't say anything. You have a dirty mind, Hermione.  
  
"I don't think I like you much."  
  
You don't have to.  
  
"Good, because I don't."  
  
I can live with that.  
  
"Too bad."  
  
Oh, that hurt. You're going to make me cry.  
  
"Wasn't I supposed to be going to seduce Harry or something?"  
  
Right. Good of you to keep me on topic. So, let's go to the pitch.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hermione watched Harry flying in the air, chasing a tiny gold ball with wings.  
"I think everyone knows what it's called Cleric."  
Of course they do. But I'm trying to use some nice style here by calling it a tiny gold ball, instead of the Golden Snitch. Work with me here, hun.  
"Whatever. Let's just get this over with. What do you expect me to do?"  
I'm not sure exactly. Wait, I have an idea. Can you make sandwiches?  
"Yes, why?"  
Just this scene I saw in this anime series.  
"A what series?"  
Look, that doesn't matter. Just go make the damned sandwiches, ok? Peanut butter and jam, with the crust cut off. Harry's favourite.  
"How do you know that?"  
I just do. I'm the author, remember? I'm being rather omniscient today. You know, all-knowing?  
"I know what omniscient means."  
Good. Now go make those sandwiches.  
"Yes master."  
Excellent.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hermione returned to the pitch with sandwiches just as practice ended.  
"Hey Harry, can you come here for a sec?"  
"Sure. What's up Hermione?"  
"I made some sandwiches, and I thought you might like some. They're peanut butter and jam."  
"With the crusts cut off?"  
"Yeah."  
"Wow, I love those. Thanks Hermione."  
"No problem."  
"So, um, you want to go over by the lake? We could, I don't know, have a picnic or something."  
"Sure Harry."  
The power of sandwiches never ceases to amaze me.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hermione sat in the Gryffindor common room, finishing up her Arithmancy assignment. Suddenly Ron walked over to her.  
"Hey Hermione, I heard you and Harry had a private picnic."  
"Yeah."  
"Well....why Harry?"  
"Don't tell me you're jealous Ron."  
"Well, yeah."  
"You want some sandwiches too?"  
"Yes. But leave the crust on. I can take it."  
Hermione hurried to her room to get a sandwich, with the crust, for Ron. She was very proud of the fact that she had made these herself, because how horrible would it be if she had to bother the poor, overworked, underpaid (well actually not paid at all) house elves, just so that she could seduce her two best friends. Hermione supported SPEW at all costs.  
"Damn! I just referred to it as SPEW!"  
Oh, muffin!  
Hermione sticks her tongue out at the author, who sticks her own tongue out in response. Not that Hermione can see The Cleric's tongue, but trust me, it's there.  
Hermione sighs and lets her mind get back on the track to the task at hand.  
"Ok Cleric, apparently you were right about the sandwich idea."  
I'm always right.  
"And so modest about it."  
Yep. That's me. Modest, humble and all the other good stuff, all rolled into one!  
Hermione returned to the common room with the sandwiches, and gave them to Ron.  
"Hermione, will you eat the sandwiches with me?"  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Well, that was easy."  
Yes, it was. Pairings with Harry or Ron usually are. Especially Ron because, after all, that is what's really going to happen.  
"Well, if he ever matures enough."  
He will. Eventually. In about thirty years.  
"Things to look forward to."  
Tell me about it. Anyways, time to move on to bachelor number three. The one, the only.DRACO MALFOY.  
"Do I really have to?"  
Oh come on Hermione, the boy's hot. It won't be that hard.  
"Well, granted he is rather attractive. Physically, and only physically. Even worse, he knows it, and is all 'I am a man and there is no one more manly than me!' It's horrid."  
Yes, but it will be fun. Just one night, after all.  
"I suppose."  
You can't honestly tell me you never thought about it.  
"Well, I guess not."  
And be happy that it isn't in one of the oh-so-overused scenarios set in seventh year where you are Head Girl, and Malfoy, for reasons unknown, is Head Boy, and you are sharing a dorm. That has become so CLICHÉ!  
"I know, I know. So, what do I have to do now?"  
Actually, I'm not really sure. I hadn't planned that far ahead. Any ideas?  
"Well, I could always not sleep with him."  
Nay, where's the fun in that?  
"Or I could, I don't know, sneak into the Slytherin dorm or something."  
Now that has possibility. Maybe 'Whoremione' isn't such a stretch after all.  
"Don't push it, Cleric."  
Fine, fine.  
"So, now I need to find out the Slytherin password."  
No you don't. I already know it. Omniscient, remember?  
"Oh, right. So, what is it?"  
Well, another typically cliché password: mudblood.  
"WHAT!!!"  
I know, I know. It sucks. But what are you going to do.  
"You could change it."  
No I couldn't.  
"But you're the author. And you claim to represent Slytherin."  
Well, maybe I could, but I'm not going to. Suck it up Hermione, and go get your man.  
  
*~*~*  
  
A few hours later, Hermione left Draco's room.  
"Well, that wasn't half as bad as I had expected."  
What did I tell you? He is a little sex-god in the making. Too bad he's evil.  
"Yeah. All the hot guys are. Either that or they're gay."  
Speaking of gay, Pansy Parkinson is heading your way. Hey, that rhymes! I'm a poet, and I didn't know it!!!  
"Shut up Cleric."  
You don't need to be so mean about it.  
"Yes I do."  
"Hey, Hermione," says Pansy.  
"Yes?"  
"You just came out of Malfoy's room???"  
"Maybe. Why?"  
"Well, it's just, you and MALFOY?"  
"What, are you jealous?"  
"Well, yeah."  
"Don't worry, I'll be leaving him alone from now on. He's all yours."  
Pansy giggled in that annoying way of hers. Hermione tried to hide her giggles at the commentary.  
"No, I don't want Malfoy. I want you."  
Isn't it great how fan fic characters always make those blunt declarations? Hermione could barely stifle her giggles.  
"Well, Pansy, you see I'm not actually gay. Or bi. I'm rather straight."  
"Oh, don't worry about that. I made this spell that will turn me into a guy. So, what do you say? Want to have dinner with me?"  
Hermione thought about this for a minute, pondering whether she had any choice in the matter. She didn't.  
"Okay, sure."  
"Great. Come back here in an hour, and everything will be ready."  
  
*~*~*  
  
The dinner was surprisingly good. And Pansy as a guy was surprisingly hot. But just as Hermione was moving in for a kiss, a song started playing in her head:  
  
She can kill with a smile She can wound with her eyes She can ruin your faith with her casual lies And she only reveals what she wants you to see She hides like a child But she's always a woman to me  
  
She can lead you to live She can take your or leave you.  
  
Hermione stiffened.  
"Do you hear that?"  
"Hear what?" asked the male-Pansy, disappointedly.  
"Um, nothing. Can you excuse me for a moment?"  
"Sure. Anything for you."  
Hermione stormed off to the bathroom, which was empty.  
"What the HELL was that?"  
What was what?  
"That song."  
Oh, it's called 'Always a Woman to Me', by Billy Joel.  
"I KNOW that. But why was it playing???"  
Well, I thought it was appropriate.  
"Didn't we already discuss the femmeslash thing?  
Well, yeah, but.  
"But nothing! Make it stop. NOW!"  
Fine, fine. Spoilsport.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"So, Cleric, I've now had more sex in the last day than I have had my entire life. Harry, Ron, Draco and Pansy. Isn't that enough?"  
Hardly. We haven't even touched the most popular pairing.  
"Snape?"  
Snape.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hermione prowled through the Dungeons.  
"You know, it would feel a LOT more like prowling if I didn't have a running-narration!"  
Yes, but we've talked about this. The poor readers want to know what is happening.  
"Right.....And I care so much about the people who are reading this."  
Of course you do.  
"Whatever you say."  
Exactly. Whatever I say. I am in control here and don't you forget it.  
"How could I? You remind me of the fact every five seconds!"  
Wow, aren't you Little Miss Sass. Focus on the task at hand, Hermione. We are here to sleep with Snape.  
"Please, don't remind me. Is there any way I can talk you out of this? Any way at all???"  
No.  
"Damn."  
Life's tough. Get used to it.  
"Can't I have something to help me? I mean, Snape is such a horrible git. I can't stand his class. Whenever I answer any questions, which is almost never because he never calls on me, even when my hand is the only one up, it's all, 'The answer is not the answer,' or something similarly ridiculous."  
Alright Hermione, I have to put in a love potion. You can have it.  
"Thank you."  
You're welcome.  
Hermione downed the potion in one gulp.  
"Now, where is Snape?"  
Suddenly Snape appeared, swooping in like an overgrown bat. (The only good thing Quirrell ever said was that comparison between Severus and an overgrown bat.) Once again, Hermione stifled back laughter.  
"Hello Professor," Hermione said in a husky voice, perfect for seducing older men. She glared out at the disembodied narrator, but Snape thought she was glaring at him.  
"What do you want Granger?" he said, intrigued at the side of her that can glare.  
Insult him, insult him. Call him a vicious, cold-blooded piece of toast.  
"Professor Snape, you are a vicious, cold-blooded piece of toast."  
"Really? I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a vicious, cold-blooded piece of toast. Come with me Granger."  
"Please, call me Whoremione."  
  
*~*~*  
  
The love potion wore off by the next day, when Hermione woke up in Snape's bed and promptly screamed and ran away.  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! You never said I was going to wake up there!"  
I never said you wouldn't.  
"Why don't you tell me these things?"  
Why should I?  
"Why are you so cruel?"  
Because I can be.  
  
*~*~*  
  
"So, I've done Snape. Are we done yet?"  
Not quite. I have this good line about Sirius I need to stick in. So, let's move on to him.  
"Not Sirius, please. He's Harry's godfather, for crying out loud. Plus, he's."  
Don't say it Hermione. I didn't put up a spoilers warning for this fic.  
"Then put one up."  
Don't order me around. Anyways, Sirius isn't that bad. He may be a bit of a flirt, but.  
"I can see Sirius flirting with a cash register."  
That's it!!!  
"What's it?"  
That was the line I needed to have. Which means you don't need to sleep with Sirius after all.  
"Good. So we're done?"  
Yes, yes.oh wait a moment. Oh dear.  
"What? What's wrong?"  
I forgot one element.  
"What?"  
I need to include some sort of defenestration. You know, the act of throwing someone or something out of a window.  
"I know the meaning of defenestration."  
Oh, good then. So, how are we going to fit that in?  
"I have an idea."  
Oh, what is it?  
"It's a surprise."  
I love surprises.  
"Then you'll just love this. It's to die for."  
Really? What do I have to do?  
"Just appear in as a physical embodiment of yourself."  
Oh, ok.  
A physical embodiment of The Cleric 007 appeared. Hermione promptly ran at her, and pushed her out the nearest window.  
"There, defenestration. And no more narration."  
  
*~*~*THE END*~*~*  
  
GO SLYTHERIN!!! 


End file.
